A Day at the Museum

As you know, I fucking hate the horror that is storytime, but I go because it’s good for Girlfriend to go out in public and socialize with people. I drag myself kicking and screaming on the inside because I really don’t fit in with mom culture but we’ll talk about that another day.

Anyway, for the sake of Girlfriend’s social and emotional well-being, we went on a play-date to the Children’s Museum with our faithful companions Erin and Mackenzie.

Our first stop was the Water Room which I was hoping had a bar in it or at least a wine fountain.

But no. There was nothing.

But shouldn’t there be, really?

Instead there were many children wearing waterproof smocks so they could splash the shit out of each other.

But it’s OK though because it’s the water room (duh).

If the kids get too wet there are totally inadequate cold air hand dryers that do nothing. So DON’T WORRY.

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That’s Mackenzie on the left and Girlfriend on the right.

One of the first things I noticed was that most people seemed to be rockin’ a Snuggli or a Baby Bjorn with an infant in it. I felt a little naked, so I think next time I’ll just carry Alice in a Snuggli and see how that goes over.

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I think the kid in the foreground below was actually dead, but I don’t like to judge other mothers:

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These two ladies look a little confused and hesitant. I think they were hoping for a bar too. But they looked adorable and stylish and cute, and they didn’t have Snugglis strapped to them. It was refreshing to see them because they weren’t wearing pajama pants like so many mommies do. (Can you imagine?)

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They were actually MILFS!

Unlike Mrs. Fancy Pants over here:

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(but I’m certain she’s a wonderful mother.)

Or how about this lady who is clearly prepared for a business meeting that could happen at any second. She’s proving a woman really can have it all and look like an overdressed asshat in the water room.

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This is what I wore:

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(Shut up. I KNOW I need to cool it with the cheezy puffs OKAY??)

The girls chose to put on these cute doggie costumes that were not doubt harboring some sort of festering virus carried here by foreign people.

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When I turned around to take a picture of the MILFS, my kid found THIS!!!

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And had it in her mouth and was sucking it like it was a vanilla pudding pop by the time I turned around. I’m certain it probably belonged to some foreign person’s baby and now Girlfriend is going to start smelling of cumin and speaking very fast.

Or she could die from a foreign person disease.

This guy with an abnormally long torso looked to me like he could enjoy a nice little cocktail once in a while, so I asked him if he had a flask on him. He just looked at me and was all like “Ew! Get away crazy lady! Get out of here!” then turned around and ignored me.

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Wanker.

Isn’t this giant lady thing all wrong looking? Mackenzie out and out refused to sit there with Girlfriend, and I can’t say I blame her because it looks like my daughter is coming right out of the giant lady’s va-jay-jay.

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It does, right?

I think so.

Anyway, that was my trip to the Children’s Museum. I never did find the bar.

Tell me Internets, do I bring the dog in a Snuggli next time or just carry a very special juice box for mommy?

Because Sweet Jesus there’s got to be a better way!

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20 comments

  1. Flask and snuggli–and I think you should just carry a doll.

    ps:I hate the smell of cumin in my water room…

  2. Lynne- I think I’ll do that. And I’ll make sure to get drunk and tell the other mothers inappropriate stories about my vagina. Only I’ll call it my “cunt” instead.

    Rach-Cumin tastes good in my mouth, but it smells like dirty Mexicans, and you KNOW how I HATE dirty Mexicans.

  3. I’m an impartial dirty person hater, if you smell, GET AWAY FROM ME!…btw, I thought you pretty much hated everyone regardless of creed, class, color, or aroma…:-)

    And Mom culture is WAY more Kelly Ripa (although instead of cute, sometimes in horrible baggy clothes with cartoon characters on them) than dreaded KLG…

  4. I was going to say exactly what Lynne said. Flaunt the flask. It’s all the rage, from what I hear!

    PS – Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. Mine is due for a makeover. Bat your pretty lil eyes some more and you’ll land right where you want!

  5. Denise- They would explain each other wouldn’t they? And if anyone pointed out that I had a dog in a snuggli I could just be like “Dammit! I took the fucking dog instead of the baby again!”

    Neth-Mom culture, as if you don’t know from my complaints about it, is a phenomenon we are experiencing due to a backlash against feminism where once educated professional women have left work to become breeders who are content “just being a mom.” They have given their identities up to become boring people who only want to talk about birth stories, breast feeding, how baby #1 is sooooo different from baby #4, great sales at fucking Baby Gap,children’s various ailments, cookie recipes, and a myriad of other shit that makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and go “La,la,la,la,la! I’m not listening to this!” And that makes me a freak among mothers.
    Does that answer your question?

    Rach- I DO hate everyone. I forgot. I don’t think Kelly Rippa is all that mom culture-ish. She still has an identity. Did you hear KLG is going to be on the TODAY show as a host. Like, permanently? EW!

    Nilsa- I’m doing it right now! How’s my eyelash fluttering? Is this good?

  6. yes, you are a freak. i LIKE your freak; it fits in perfectly with mine.

    if you WEREN’T freaky we’d be on the fast track to divorcetown.

    from your description, i don’t think that “mom-culture” coincides with “milf-iness,” and in fact probably leads to “my-husband-cheats-on-me-like-a-bastard-but-who-can-blame-him-because-i’ve-let-myself-completely-go-to-shit.”

  7. Neth-Milf-iness is in direct opposition to mom culture. You cannot be a Milf if you’re wearing pajama pants and hiding your greasy, dark rooted hair under your husband’s baseball cap. Doesn’t work.

  8. I used Kelly Ripa in contrast to KLG due to their Live with Regis connection.

    The true quality of the “Mom Culture” has to include all the things you said…but these women are genuinely EXCITED about all of those things…it’s been the hardest part of staying home with the Dainty Flower.

    This is yet another reason for Martinis at playdates.

  9. Chris-I will certainly do an expose of mom culture for your reading pleasure. I might even show up drunk for storytime. We’ll see.

    Rach- Why did you leave me? We could be having martini playdates all the time!!! And the girls could make them. Faryn could pour and Charlotte could shake. Or stir. Whatever you prefer.

  10. You know how to spot a MILF my good lady. What sweet ass on the one on the left.

    That pacifier was disgusting.

    What I love is that they were all oblivious to the fact that this day was going to appear here. I wonder what some of them might say. It would be quite entertaining.

    Let’s start with the MILFs. “What do mean she took pictures of my ass. Is she a lesbian or something?”

    “How rude, at least she could have asked our permission to use the photo on her little site.”

    The guy:
    “You know I should have brought my flask this week. I could have gotten her drunk and snuck off somewhere. I can’t believe the way I acted, I was just so taken off guard. I hope she comes back. But what if the kids say something to my wife? Just look at the wall, look at the wall, look at the wall, look at the wall.”

    Sorry Crissy but I just could not help myself.

  11. Definitely both the juice box and Alice. I totally get what you’re saying about mom culture. I once took my nephew to his little gym class and found myself huddled in the corner hiding from the other moms and their mind-numbing conversation AND I felt naked without a baby attached to me. I had to leave early before I decided to never be a mom.

    Also, that giant lady is going to give me nightmares – Girlfriend is very brave to sit in her lap AND she is quite A-dorable.

  12. WTF is a MILF? Enjoyed the museum story. Girlfriend had a blast, and it’s so nice she could enjoy the “zeum” with a pal. That’s good mommy stuff.

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