Me, > U

This is not so much a post about my dog, but a post about how I am better than you. And here’s why. I am a very loving pet owner who feels that it is important that my Alice doesn’t feel left out when I’m reading. And so I read to her. But for the purposes of this post however we will from herein refer to “reading to Alice” as the thing that makes me better than you.

And it makes me better than you because it would never even occur to most people to do the thing that makes me better than you. A dog has intellectual needs as well as needs for food and shelter and merciless beatings with sticks and things, and if you haven’t been doing anything to nurture your pet’s innate need for good literature you should be neutered and then crated without your supper.

You see, what my highly evolved mind can comprehend is that being a dog is difficult because they do not have thumbs and so cannot hold a book. And what I also know, and you do not, is that they have trouble reading in English as Doggiean is their original language and not English. And Alice loves it when I do the thing that makes me better than you. I know this because she looks at me as if to say “do the thing that makes you better than everyone, mama.”

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And then I do the thing that makes me better than you.

And everyone. Because I’m cool like that. And because nothing is too good for my Alice. And you know what makes me so, so, so much better than you? I turn on my electric blanket for her so she doesn’t catch a chill while I read her such classics as Woof and Punishment by Fido Dogstoyevsky, the translated version of course, or The Call of the Wild by Jack Russell London Terrier.

You see I don’t do the thing that makes me better than you for myself. Oh, no no. I choose things I feel will be of interest to her. Because I’m selfless and kind. And you are not. You don’t need to tell me what a wonderful thing I do for Alice because I already know.

Because I’m better than you.

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13 comments

  1. not only are you selfless and kind, but you’re also extraordinarily humble! make sure you tell people that.

    btw, i’m going to bring this post up when alice goes spelunking in benny’s box looking for litter critters.

  2. Hey! my dog and I watch Cesar Milan together. But I do not read to him, Romeo might be upset if he finds out other dog owners do so don’t tell him

  3. I think that Alice must be gifted, because I tried to read to Buddy and all he did was roll over for some belly-whore action. Or maybe he’s an exhibitionist…or perhaps he just needs a ride in the short-bus.

  4. Nilsa-Thank you! I read your post about your dog this morning. She’s gorgeous.

    Neth-I am very humble. It’s just one of my many,many endearing qualities.

    Chris-Ikea

    Aznman-Right. The Chinese eat dogs, they don’t read to them! Duh!

    Denise-Oops. I already did tell him. Sorry.

    Jim- The whole thing was Alice’s idea. Actually we were reading a book called HOWL and I was inspired by one of the stories collected in the book. I actually got out of bed to write…wait. I AM crazy. You’re right!! Shit.

    Kiala-Perhaps you should start her off with something a little less erotic…like Dog Fancy magazine?

    Rach-As much as I love the Budster, I think you might be right about the short bus. But he looks like Falcor, so he’s forgiven on the basis of cuteness.

  5. Did you create a facebook page for Alice? Because what if Alice feels like she has no way to express her creativity? I hate to be the one to say this, but somebody has to…I think it’s only fair you let Alice on facebook to make other doggie friends.

  6. Ma-Thank you. I have to give all the credit to my paparazzi.

    Meg- Wow. That’s embarrassing. I never even considered that. I’ll get right on it!

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