Ta-kee-laaaaaaa!!!

In the place where we used to live, we only had only one neighboring house and they were lovely people.

But now, I’m experiencing a bit of culture shock as I am not accustomed to living in a busy neighborhood where I am forced to put up with people.

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And all their bullshit. Our house is the cute one on the left.

For the past month or so, I’ve been noticing a growing amount of dog shit in my side yard in between our house and the neighbors.

And it’s big.

And there’s a lot of it.

This is not so much a picture of raisins pretending to be dog shit, but a picture of raisins demonstrating the volume of dog shit I’m talking about. Guests are starting to comment on it.

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Even astronauts in space are noticing…”Houston, we see a lot of dog shit at Crissy’s house.

We have a dog, but Alice is little and she only shits in the back yard.

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And we clean it up.

So it’s not my Alice.

But my neighbor just opens her front door and lets her 120lb drooly Pit Bull, Bull Dog, Bull Mastiff whatever it is shit whereverthefuck while mom has her coffee and nurses a hangover.

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Speaking of mom, I’ve never seen her without a can of beer in her hand. I can respect that, and even be a little bit jealous that she has the luxury of being shit faced all day, but her alcoholism is having a negative impact on my lawn and so it just pisses me off.

I’ve suspected it was Tequila (that’s the dog’s name. Did I mention the alcoholism?) for quite some time, but I’ve been frustrated because she’s a stealthy pooper and I couldn’t catch her until this morning. There I was, minding my own business, doing my morning yoga when, in fully extended prayer balancing twist position, I saw her assuming a position of her own.

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It totally screwed up my pranayama when I tried to yell “Fuck off Tequila! Fuck! Off!” through the window, but off she did not fuck. Oh well, at least I finally caught her.

And as if Doggie-dumps-a-lot wasn’t enough of an issue, their cat comes up on my front porch and talks smack to my cat through the windows at 2 am. And this cat is the worst kind of smack talking pussy around because he knows my Benny’s not allowed out of the house and so he’s never really going to go outside and throw down. But he really wants to.

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And then, after getting Benny all fired up, he shits in my tulip bed just to be a total freaking douche.

Not only am I pissed that their street thug pets are shitting in my yard, but I’m hurt. I thought we were friends with the neighbors. We went over there, we got hammered with them, we stayed until 2am and, as far as I can remember we were still welcome.

I’m pretty sure.

We even put up with their sexy as hell teenage sons washing their motorcycles with no shirts on in the hot summer sun getting all soapy and watery and stuff while I’m trying to make dinner. It’s really very disruptive.

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Anyway, we put up with a lot and after you get drunk with someone, doesn’t that automatically make you best friends?

It does, right?

And friends don’t let their dogs shit in friend’s yards, right?

RIGHT???

I thought so.

So I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m not cleaning up the dog shit. My husband is such a little girly man pacifist he won’t go over there and yell at them.

So here’s my question for the internets:

What am I going to do?

Potential solutions so far:

  1. Shovel the shit back over the fence into their yard.
  2. Do a flaming dog shit ding dong ditch. Classless, I know, but so is letting your dog shit all over the place.
  3. Install a motion detecting sprinkler and soak the bitch.
  4. Send Mister over there to shit on their lawn.
  5. Ask them to have the boys come over and clean it up and then videotape the boys and sell it as lady porn.
  6. Go all janjaweed on their asses. I’ll spare those gorgeous, shirtless innocent and precious children of course.

Any other suggestions?

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32 comments

  1. um…did breaking out the machete ever occur to you? Just carry it and in your nicest (fuck you) voice start calling, “Here, Tequila…” right in front of their house.

  2. Rach- That is brilliant! Totally brilliant!

    Cathy-Thank you for the nice compliment and the visit! My neighbor’s name happens to be Cathy too, and when I saw your name, I threw up a little bit in my mouth because I thought it was her. WHEW!!!! Thank God it’s you!

  3. Shovel it back from whence it came (not the dogs ass, the neighbors yard. That’s passive aggressive, I know, but still the best solution. Also, get some dog repellent and sprinkle it along the edge of your property. Sidenote: I might not be able to eat raisins ever again.

  4. OMG! there all good, I can’t pick one. You could get a bb gun and a target and practice shooting it whilst the neighbor watches, maybe give a little wave mid aim.

  5. i would suggest installing some sort of heat sensing alarm system that can detect when feces of any kind hits your lawn and dispells a loud message, something to the tune of “STOP SHITTING ON OUR LAWN TEQUILA AND TELL YOUR ALCOHOLIC OWNER TO PUT DOWN THE BEER AND BUY A LEASH.” it could repeat loudly until all the neighbors heard and the dog got the fuck off the lawn.

  6. i have a machete.

    i have a shovel.

    i have a bb gun.

    i don’t have dog repellent, although if i run out there and “mark my territory” it might send a message.

    i could also “mark my territory” on THEIR lawn, but i’d really like to have a giant dog suit to do that. i just think it’d be funnier.

    i could also not only put THEIR dog’s shit on THEIR lawn, how about i start putting OUR dog’s shit there too? even more mysterious since she never leaves the backyard…

  7. First, I’d ask nicely (since you did get shit-faced together and all) if they could please keep their dog’s shit on their own lawn.

    Second, assuming the first will not be successful, I’d start shoveling the shit back into their yard.

    And third, if first and second do not stop the misbehaving canine, I’d call the cops. Or a lawyer. Or your local news station. Nothing like a little public humiliation to snap them into shape.

  8. Lynne- sorry about the raisins. We discussed why you shouldn’t be eating them anyway, so no great loss there. Thanks for the parenthese. I’ve been looking for that.

    Denise-That sounds reasonable. I like the wave just before pulling the trigger.

    Ashley- I rather like that idea! I wonder how we could rig that up. I bet your dad would like to have a set up like that too.

    Neth-That is why I married you. You are a very smart man. Get on the horn and see if you can find a costume to rent. I sense a blog video coming on baby! Rachel and Lynne are behind you 100%!

    Nilsa- I tend more toward the passive aggressive shoveling shit back to them…and I think I’ll actually try my husband’s idea and start shoveling OUR dog’s shit over the fence too. Just to add a hint of sarcasm to the passive aggression.

  9. i’m really leaning towards the dog suit.

    i think they’d actually find it hilarious, and given that pictures would of course be taken, it makes for great blog fodder.

    i’m trying to decide whether the dog suit should just have a hole under the tail (“au-naturale” style), or should i drop doggy pants and squat (“human-in-a-dog-suit” style).

    where does one buy/rent a doggy suit at least 76″ tall anyway?

  10. okay, first of all–Ken in a dog suit shitting…I think that while Lynne & I support that, we will not be “behind” him. 2ndly, you have to poop while in the dogsuit while the music “Tequila” plays in the background…no human booties allowed to be seen–then they can get you for indecent exposure…

  11. I recommend taking a cue from
    http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

    Post a sign in your fromt yard that says something like
    “My yard is not a doggy toilet and I would appreciate it if dogs did not treat it as such. I understand dogs can’t read so I would really appreciate if dog owners would keep their dogs out of my yard or at least show a little common courtesy and clean up after their dog.”

    If the sign mysteriously disappears make another one. Sure it’s passive aggressive but it may make you feel better.

  12. I’m voting for shoveling the shit back to their side of the fence. I had this same problem and that’s what I did. Even more fun, I shoveled it when I KNEW they were in their back yard so they could see it flying over the fence back at them. Did it cause any discord? Nope. I think they understood where I was coming from.

    BTW, I love it when you add pictures. Adds something to the story….

  13. Neth-I don’t know, but someone must have one somewhere.

    Chris- I do know how you feel about this one. We had this discussion already.

    Rach-The visual on that has me laughing so hard Girlfriend asked me why I’m crying. Te-qui-la!

    Jim- I thought about the sign, but I think I don’t want to be quite that passive. Thanks for the link, btw. That’s a funny site!

    Subie- I can’t imagine being in my yard and suddenly seeing shit fly over my fence. I think I’d have to laugh and not care that you did it. I have fun taking pictures, so I’m glad you like ’em.

  14. I think you definitely should shovel the shit back, but maybe save it up for a week and make sure to get some on the side of the house. Everybody loves a shit-stained house right? And, of course, sending your hubby over to mark his territory is a MUST!

    Also, the evil dog in the pictures is creeping me out.

  15. I’ve done the retuning the shit to the rightful owner thing. passive-agressive yes, but satisfying. I want a motion-detecting sprinkler myself. sounds like fun! Oh, go to BJ’s, get a big thing of dried spice cyanne pepper, sprinkle it where they shit. One good sinffing for a spot and they should’nt want to come over again. (reccomended by a dog trainer!)

  16. Does the shit show up on google earth?

    I would have your husband shit in their yard. With the dog suit, which was a brilliant idea. Take pictures.

  17. Meg-While I’m aiming for the house, I think maybe the cars might get some too…and what a shame that would be. The evil dog creeps me out too.

    Kendra-I can absolutely picture you shoveling shit back into someone’s yard. Lynne actually suggested the pepper too. I think I’m going to try it.

    Arielle-I bet google earth would show the shit fo’ sho’. I have no idea why I turned all gangsta all of a sudden. Must be all the talk of turf wars and retribution and stuff.

    And everyone, Neth is going to look into a dog costume. I promise to post video or at least pictures!

  18. I have had the same problem (only with neighbors cats). I found that if you let the animal know that it is on unfriendly soil it will be less apt to feel relaxed enough to shit in your yard. I would accomplish this by throwing old tomatoes,veggies, apples and the like at the animal from a position where I felt the neighbors could not see me obviously trying to fuck up their stupid pet. I would also hiss and moan….come to think of it……..might not work with a pit bull. Hmmmmmmmmmm……….get one of those really loud air horns and place it near where the dog likes to shit (of course have ken hook up some kind of remote activation) and when the dog perches up in the shit position give it a long blast! I’m sure that result will give you some satisfaction.

  19. I actually left a big pile of shit right by the offending dog’s owner’s car door. It looked as if an elephant stopped by!

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