Cranky Pants

It has come to my attention very recently that I need some new pants for spring because the ones I have are boring and old and I hate them.

So I went shopping at the “Fashion Crossing.

First, I went to Old Navy. They had NO PANTS. Clearly, they’re trying to discourage us from wearing pants this spring and I had to weed through the clearance racks to find stuff. I pulled out a few things that might work

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This is me crying on the inside laughing at the first pair of pants I put on. Clearly something is very wrong with these sassy little numbers.

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Oof.

And then there are these that are all wrong for me because stripes aren’t my color. It is not lost on me that I am wearing a striped shirt.

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Shut up. I told you I need new clothes!

Born without feet, Crissy is forced to walk around on stilts fashioned out of sticks and things found around the yard.

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I don’t know if giraffe print is my color either…Mee-yow!

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Or whatever sound a giraffe makes. I have no idea.

Wee! These make me feel like dancing!

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Okay. After trying on twelvety hundred pairs of pants, I actually bought the shorts because they’ll remind me of you and the day we all went shopping together. And besides, it can’t be 40 degrees outside forever, right?

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Right!

Passing right by Lane Bryant where they have many cute things but where I will never have to shop if I can only keep Cheezy Puffs from falling into my mouth, I headed over to Ann Taylor Loft. (If the picture isn’t moving, click on it and I’ll walk like a real girl!)

Where my prayers were brutally rebuffed.

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I had very high hopes for The Gap.

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The Gap can suck my dick.

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So can NY & Co.

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They had pants all over the place but nothing that fit in a flattering way.

It’s a stupid store anyhow.

So I continued on my way, feeling quite confident that my fabulous new pants that will make me look very, very tall with an even more wonderful a very wonderful bum and flat tummy must be waiting for me at Kohl’s department store.

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But when I got there, I had to turn back because there was a large stop sign right in front of the entrance.

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I was confused by this and decided that the stop sign did not bode well for the pants project. I’ve never even been inside that store and I guess you need a membership or something. (That is not a stain on my leg; there’s a spot on the lens.)

By this time I’ve walked the entire length of the “Fashion Crossing” and I’m feeling very frustrated and sad and really quite sick and tired of taking my pants off.

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So I went to the shoe store instead, but something stinked in there.

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And so I gave up on that too.

I left the “Fashion Crossing” and came home.

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Without any pants.

But I always like to look on the bright side of life and I do have a nice new pair of shorts I can wear that will cover my bottom and they’re not old and tired and I do not hate them.

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Yet.

But on the not-so-bright side of life, while the sun may be doing it’s best to warm the earth, the wind is trying it’s hardest to freeze people to death, mostly directing it’s attention to me, and so now I’m praying for warm weather to arrive soon.

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But God never seems to listen to my prayers and so I’m sure we’ll have at least 6 more months of winter.

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19 comments

  1. If you happen to find pants this time of year, let me know – it seems to be the impossible quest.

    At least you’re prepared for August! 😉

  2. I really never realized what an adventure it could be to try and buy and pants. Then again I cheat. I find a sales girl and tell her I am a dumb man incapable of dressing myself and then she spends the next hour bringing me clothes.

  3. Poor baby. You looked beautiful to me. Loved all those pix. Only you can be in a dressing room with harsh lights, no self confidence, and look fabulous.

  4. Leah- No one had freaking pants! I couldn’t believe it! NY&Co. had a lot of them but all the fabric was shiny. Who wants a shiny bum? Not me!

    Jim- Being a woman and shopping for pants is like being a man shopping for a bra. They’re just not made to fit our bodies!

    Ma-Thank you for babysitting so that I could go on my quest! Because of you, I was able to share my frustrations with the internets.

  5. This was very fun! I almost feel like we’ve had a day together…minus the martinis and obvious laughing at others. Just to remind you, you should parlay your pants money into some plane fare–your shorts will be perfect here! Love ya!

  6. Denise- Snow? Ick! I’d die if we got snow right now.

    Lynne-I have never been able to find pants either. Sorry, turns out you’re not that special.

    Neth- Agreed. So buy me some skirts and dresses.

  7. I hear your pain about pants shopping. For most women, I think it’s one of the most humbling and humiliating ways to waste time! Oh well, patience my dear, you will find those snazzy pants in no time!

  8. You done made me laugh. Hee-harr-dee.

    I think that the thing that might have been stinkin’ in the shoe store might have been feet.

    I hate feet! I do like shoes though.

    I also appreciated the visual of The Gap sucking YOUR dick.

    Love,
    ME
    PS: You’ve been blogrolled.

    Amen.

  9. Hahaha – this same exact thing happened to me this weekend. Weird! So can you explain to me what was up with Old Navy and all the weird tube tops? Funnily enough, my bf thought they were skirts..teehee, stupid.

    By the way, I discovered your blog through Face of the Cookie and quite enjoy it.

  10. Morgy- Thank you dear lady! You are too kind.

    Meg- I know, right? I saw the tube tops too. There’s a new rule that I’ve made for myself that is becoming increasingly useful to me as I get older. If you pick up an article of clothing and you do not know what it is, back away and leave the store!!! And never return. You’re too damn old/stupid to shop there!
    Thanks for visiting me!

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