Storytime Smackdown

So we went to storytime yesterday.

And I was very nervous to go because of what happened last time.

But I was ready for it this time. I had my game face on and it was go time. I’ve been rehearsing a really good comeback for like 6 weeks just in case bitch face tried talking smack about my kid again.

On our way in, Lynne made me promise to page her if things got out of hand–“Lynne to the Children’s Room for a rumble…Lynne for a rumble please.” She’s dying to roundhouse somebody in the head. She knows Karate. I wouldn’t fuck with her.

I also had my friend Erin and her daughter Mackenzie for company. Erin can channel her inner black girl and has this great “you talking to me, bitch?” thing she does with her head. I wouldn’t fuck with her either. It’s really very comforting to know people have your back, even if it’s just another mommy and her 2-year-old.

We arrived early because I’m always early. We get into the Children’s Room and it’s just the bitch auntie and the kids and no. one. else.


Girlfriend of course loves bitch’s little niece and nephew and walks right up to her, and I think she knows the woman pissed me off last time, and says “I’m sad about mommy.”



Go near her so I have to sit with her AND say shit like that to her.

Nice, Girlfriend.

Way to be a team player.

Thankfully, Erin and Mackenzie showed up moments later and distracted Girlfriend away from little niece-y and nephew-ey.

Potential situation averted. For now.

But can you picture a mommy brawl at storytime? It could totally happen.

There’s A LOT of tension in that room.

Everyone is scared that their kid will do something fucked up and embarrass the shit out of them.

Add the fear factor in with the fact that they’re all either pregnant, exhausted, juggling multiple pissy little kids, they’re hormonal, they just had a fight with Mister at home or all of it put together in a mass of rage and frustration.

With emotions running high like this, the situation is ripe for a smackdown.

Or a riot.

Here’s how easily it could go down:

Mommy #1: Excuse me, but your kid just stepped on my kid’s hand.


Mommy #2: Maybe your kid should stay out of my kid’s way.


Mommy #1: Maybe she could if your kid wasn’t so, ahem, FAT.

Mommy #2: Girl, please. Your kid is so dumb she shouldn’t even be breathing.

Mommy #1: Oh no you didn’t! You going down bitch! Then she grabs a handful of Mommy #2’s hair and bashes her face into her knee and the storytime smackdown begins!


A wild fire of mother hormones sweeps through the room as it divides between Mommy #1’s posse and Mommy #2’s. Suddenly the kids are involved too and there’s total chaos as it’s kid against kid and mom against mom in the ultimate gladiator face off of all time!

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The librarians try in vain to stop the commotion but they get sucked into it too when someone steps on a book (!). Fists, baby shoes, and clumps of hair fly through the air until Emergency vehicles come to break up the fight.


That would be awesome!

I’ve been itching to kick some ass for a while.

I’m totally talking smack to people next time.

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  1. Ok, next Tuesday I’m going to wear my karate gi and belt. I’ll stand next to you in a horse stance with punches at the ready. Nobody speaks to my peeps like that! I’m all over it. Let the smackdown begin!

  2. considering i’ve never heard the decibal level rise above -5.6 in that library, it should make for a very interesting day. i can think of one person whose name begins with J and rhymes with cranit who would lose her shit.

  3. Greatest come back of all time. Shuts people down every time or makes them throw the first punch so you can claim self defense. Just look them straight in the eye with a little evil smile and say “I have heard so much worse from so much better.”

    It was the only way to get one of my ex girlfriends to shut up. Works like a charm unless of course the target is too stupid to get it.

  4. OMG! I can’t decide what is funnier, the illustrations or the descriptions!!

    Who knew Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake could throw down so hard?

  5. That was great I can totally see that going on.
    Don’t worry I will shake my head any time for you.
    I just want to know if that Auntie has any of her own kids.

  6. Replying to a comment you left on my blog:

    1) Yep, those are our real names.
    2) Crazy Bob was a stupid 3in the morning thing my best friend and I came up with that seemed REALLY funny at the time and has stuck. πŸ™‚
    3) I actually want to get an MLS
    4) To freak you out more, we live in Providence. πŸ™‚

  7. It’s true. I am you. You’re the version they made and went “Oh shit!” but you killed all the scientists on the project and escaped before they could do anything about it. πŸ˜‰

    I will add you to my blogroll as well and I’ll add you to my facebook if you don’t mind.

  8. I didn’t think it was so much an implication as basically stating it outright, but y’know, whatever gets you through the day. πŸ˜‰

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