Yesterday I was feeling very hormonal and lachrymose.
My kid woke up at 3 am. She went back to sleep, but I was up listening to the neighbor’s asshole dog barking.
And then the morning news got me all fired up.
Can I just ask one question? Why in the name of Jesus do reporters always choose the biggest douche-bag on the street to interview? I think it’s just a severe lack of intelligent people out there because 90% of the population is a potential guest on Springer.
Makes me nervous.
I mean, what if aliens are watching the news and/or Jerry Springer and now they think all humans are loud, fat, toothless, sister-fucking retards?
Hell, we’re ripe for them to come and take the fuck over. And if they do come, most people would probably not even care as long as satellite service isn’t affected. They’d fart, reach for another bag of Doritos, and just change the channel on the tee-vee.
These are the thoughts I have before my coffee.
Anyway, on Channel 10 yesterday morning, they interviewed the mother and friends of a drunken 14 year old boy who was killed when he smashed his mother’s mini-van into a telephone pole one year ago. But the “tragedy” didn’t stop there. When friends gathered at the scene of the accident that same night, a second kid was struck and also killed. I don’t know if the driver of that car was drunk or not, but he prolly was .
When interviewed by our
cracker-jack ass monkey reporter, the mother of the 14 year old was quoted as having said that “no mother should have to go get a tattoo of her dead child on her arm” (Yes. Right. Exactly. What a shame. We should change that mourning ritual…What!) and then they showed her large, sausage-like arm with a big ol’ black and white portrait of the boy and the name DARIAN or DARIUS or some fucking thing written in fancy letters below the picture.
And the reporter is all like, talking about what a tragedy this is and how young lives were wasted because of the dangers of teenage drinking, yada, yada, yada. And then they show a bunch of teenagers just a booin’ and a hooin’ hugging fuckin’ teddy bears and Jesus candles and shit all standing around a telephone pole slurring the words to Amazing Grace.
I want to know what the fuck the mother was doing when her kid was getting bombalooed and driving her car!
We’re lucky he only killed himself!
But now we should feel very sorry for the mother.
AND THEN! They interviewed a 16 year old friend of the boy who had this to say about the candlelight telephone pole ceremony that was held in his memory: “I woulda come, but I was out drinkin’.”
The aliens are coming people.
- The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
- Abby Normal
- Suck A Fat Dick Newswankers
- Cock Blocking Since ’05
- Jesus Tap Dancing Christ