Crissy: Mayoress of Crazy Town

Has someone ever asked you to hand them a pair of scissors and you get a sudden urge to, like, jam the scissors right into their eye socket?

You don’t do it of course, but you think about it.

Don’t you?

Or is it just me?

I have the most horrifying thoughts sometimes.

When I’m talking to my boss for example, in my head I’m wondering what would happen if I jumped out of my chair, dropped my pants, and shoved a water bottle up my ass.

What would happen? Would she shriek and run away? Would she stare, agog? Would she laugh? Would she call the police? Would I be fired?

I don’t know! And it drives me nuts!

I can predict what she might do, sure. But that’s not good enough.

And then I get all worked up because I’m scared that I might lose control of myself and actually DO IT.

And I start getting a little sweaty as the anxiety builds.

And it starts to pool up in my butt crack.

Don’t laugh.

It’s embarrassing!

So while my boss is talking about whatever, I’m not listening to her at all because I’m thinking “No. Don’t do it. Don’t pull your pants down and stick a water bottle up your ass! Whatevayado! Don’t. Do. That.”

And when I’m holding a machete, I have an urge to chop it into my arm.

When I look over a high balcony, I consider jumping.

Or when I’m driving, I want to swerve into oncoming traffic.

And I swear to Jesus I’m not suicidal or anything, I just want to know what would happen next.

Don’t judge.

You think some crazy shit sometimes too.

I know it.

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21 comments

  1. Not only do I have similar thoughts, although shoving a water bottle up myself has never been one of them, I also have mini panic attacks that maybe I AM actually doing something crazy, all the while thinking I’m doing somethin normal and everyone is staring at me. For example, when I’m at aerobics class, arms flailing and legs akimbo, I think – what if I’m the only one doing this and everyone else is sitting on the sidelines thinking I’ve gone bananas? It’s pretty scary (and funny).

  2. How about when you’re in the mall and look down to the lower level and wonder if the fall would really kill you or would you just Spiderman-style land on a kiosk selling feng-shui bullshit du jour, jump off and continue walking like nothing happened….

  3. Though I can’t say I’ve thought about stabbing scissors through someone’s eyes, I do have fleeting thoughts when sitting in traffic. Such as, what would happen to all these cars if I swerved out of control? Or if I slammed on my brakes right now to teach the tailgater behind me a lesson, what would that do to the rest of the evening’s commute? Funny how we let our minds wander sometimes. (BTW, hello from thirty-something bloggers!)

  4. ashley, every self-respecting man should own a machete. mine was bestowed upon me by my father in a rite of passage. we had robes, and candles, and it was a formal ceremony. it is very old, and very sharp.

    many years ago, after felling some trees and beating back the jungle, i actually left it on the back of my wife’s car, accidentally. she drove all the way to the mall and parked the car before she realized it was there. though i would have never heard the end of it, it still would have been classic had a cruiser pulled up next to her while she was wielding it in the mall parking lot…

    also, wifey, if you really want to see traffic here, this thread needs far more pictures of water bottle suppositories. what say you and i take some pictures tonight and see if we can crush the web host? i can put some nice frames around them, convert to black and white, add some film grain and we can call them fine art.

  5. Lynne-I forgot about your fear that you’re the only one dancing. I feel like that sometimes too.

    Rach-Ha, ha, ha, ha! Imagine what we could do if we were Spiderwomen?

    Ashely-My husband has some fairly troubling Indiana Jones fantasies. He has a whip. And the hat…I know.

    Neth-I’m with Rach. EW. Just ew.

    Aznman- Seriously? I’ll put that thing up my ass right after you do it.

    Nilsa-Thank you for visiting! I think that same kind of thing when I’m driving too. I’m glad everyone is a little crazy. I always thought it was only me!

    Chris-I only get the flop sweats very, very, rarely. You can still fantasize about my ass. It’s safe. Please, continue

  6. Either we are both nuts or we are both normal. I have had similar thoughts, though I never considered dropping trow and shoving something up my ass.

    However I once had a 3 lb Blue Chihuahua. He was actually blue. Part of the breed. I was driving down the road one day and he was sitting in the passenger seat minding his own business when a thought occurred to me. No it was the first thought I ever had. I was driving with a lethal weapon. If I slammed on the breaks he would go flying through the window. The next image that popped into my warped little mind was that of a guy laying on the ground with half a chihuahua sticking out of his head. I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

    So as you can see your not the only one. The funny thing for me right now is portions my post today makes you look sane.

  7. chris, i can vouch for the rarity of my wife’s asscrack sweat. in fact, to this day i myself have never actually seen it! (the sweat, that is.)

    btw, crissy–i wouldn’t be so sure phil can’t do it.

  8. Jim- Okay, I wasn’t kidding. You really are a sick fuck.

    Andi-Hi! How weird is that? I don’t understand why we all have these bizarre little fantasies. I’m just glad to know it’s not just me.

  9. Do you often hold a machete?

    That’s the only part of it that makes me wonder.
    Hell, I wonder what will happen when zombies start showing up like in the movie 28 Days later.

  10. Kendra-Zombies? Really? You watch way too many horror film there sweet pea! That’s ok. I watch way too much Ghost Hunter. I’m having nightmares now.

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