If you don’t want to know the intimate details of my sex life, close your eyes because once you read it, you can’t un-read it.
Let me give you a little scenario that occurs frequently at our house.
It’s 8:00 and girlfriend is finally sleeping. By this time on a typical day, I’ve gotten out of bed at 6am to do an hour of power yoga with either Bryan Kest, Baron Baptiste, or sadistic bitch Kristen McGee. I’ve showered, dressed, made breakfast, packed lunch, gone to work, blogged worked, come home, done laundry, dishes, floors, girlfriend’s bath, prepared dinner, drank a bottle modest glass of wine, cleaned up after dinner, and helped get her into bed.
And then I collapse, exhausted as a crack whore coming off a bender.
Mister, on the other hand, has come home from work after a grueling day downloading porn, obsessing over photography message boards, having lunch out with the guys, and putting whoopie cushions on his co-worker’s chairs.
And guess what he wants? And I know what he wants because he’s breathing.
And I’m thinking “NO. Everything. NO.”
I want to be touched about as much as I want to run naked down my street banging a metal bucket over my head with a wooden spoon.
(I’d actually prefer that)
I have only two options here. I can tell him to sod off and have him act like a dickhead until I finally give it up — OR (valuable marital survival tip here so pay attention) — allow a “play through.”
A “play through” is really a golf term that my friend’s husband applied to what’s going on over at their place.
And it’s perfect.
And so we adopted it.
And so will you.
Here, let Crissy school you.
About.com defines a “play through” thusly:
When a faster group of players is allowed to pass a slower group on the course. This usually happens at the invitation of the slower group - etiquette dictates that a slower group allow a faster group to play through. The slower group may allow the pass to occur from any part of the hole, but it usually occurs when the faster group approaches a tee box on which the slower group is still playing. The slower group usually stands aside and waits for the faster group to complete the hole before resuming play itself. Sometimes the move is required by a course marshall, who tells one group to stand aside while another group plays through.
I’ve always said it’s important to observe proper etiquette whether you’re on or off the course. I don’t golf, but that’s not the point.
Anyway, it translates very nicely into the bedroom where we also have lots of balls and clubs and people just hanging around waiting for something to happen:
The exhausted wife “slower group” sort of just lays there watching Ghost Hunter “stands aside” while the husband gets his way without bothering anyone “completes the hole.” Following the play through, Johnny can’t get enough “faster group” is to keep quiet while the exhausted wife “slower group” goes to sleep “resumes play.”
We don’t have play throughs all the time. They only happen sometimes.
It’s exactly like when you have drunk sex and you wake up with no pants on and think to yourself “what the fuck happened last night?” and then you look at the dude next to you in bed and think “EW!” except that you’re married to the dude.
And you were probably drunk anyway were not drunk.
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March 19th, 2008 at 6:59 AM
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Stacey Derbinshire
March 19th, 2008 at 7:50 AM
Bravo! *Insert polite golf clap*
March 19th, 2008 at 8:04 AM
http://ken-gilbert.com/bob_hope.mp3
March 19th, 2008 at 8:42 AM
Rach-Thank you dear lady, thank you. You’re very kind.
Neth-Bwahahahah!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:43 AM
A play through is always easier than the relentless pursuit. Flop down on the bed and give him 45 seconds. You can file your nails at the same time!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:52 AM
Stacey- Welcome! And thank you!
Lynne-Wait. It only takes 45 seconds? My Mister’s got some splainin’ to do!
March 19th, 2008 at 9:39 AM
lynne, it almost sounds like you’ve got some experience with the play through…
45 seconds, eh? i don’t know if i can match that. i guess i just need to work on my “swing.”
March 19th, 2008 at 11:03 AM
hahaha - brilliant post/idea.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:20 AM
Now, does Mister know it’s a play through? I’ve perfected the art of letting Honey think I’m into it without actually putting any effort. I’ve got the playthrough without him knowing it’s a play through. All ya gotta do is just moan or throw in a “Oh” every now and then and he’s happy. Meanwhile, I’ve got the news going in the background that I’m more interested in. Yeah, the news is more interesting than nookie!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:29 AM
Chris-Thank you sir. You are too kind. I loved your post today too!
Subie-Oh he knows! We trade a play through for a massage. Sometimes I have to ask him to keep quiet because I can’t hear the TV over all the rustling around he’s doing.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:31 AM
I like the idea in theory. But I love sex as team sport. I mean the two of us actively engaged in the act of sex. I had a feeling if I had not thrown that in there you would have made some orgy joke.You still might.
the idea of her letting me play through just would not work. We have great sex. She is an orgasm machine and that’s what I love about it. If you did not want to know about my sex life then you should not have told me about yours.
Great post.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:50 AM
jim — before you get the wrong idea, let me clarify.. when the missus gets her game face on the shit gets plenty crazy; she enjoys golf with as much gusto and vigor as the best of them.
however, we have discovered over the years of our relationship that she prefers to play less frequently than i do. in other words, not daily.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:10 PM
No offense was meant. I do apologize if any was was taken. But the way she put it played perfect to my comment and I was just being my sarcastic self.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:15 PM
enough of the chit-chat.
i want to hear more about this “orgasm machine.” do you have any diagrams, blueprints, or illustrations that i could look over?
March 19th, 2008 at 12:20 PM
Maybe if he pasted some hair on his chest, slapped on some olive oil, and went to bed with a deli smock on he wouldn’t have to play through. LOL You better keep her, not many wives out there that let you play through.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:28 PM
you know Hubby if i did and let that out I may lose my play privileges. But I will say that with each orgasm they just keep getting more intense for her and feel incredible for me.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:44 PM
Jim-Sex and sarcasm are the cornerstones of this blog. We are never offended here. Also, In a perfect world, there would be no need for a play through. But the world is not perfect. And so we must play through.
Wired-you might just be right about that. We’ll give it whirl!
March 19th, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Crissy, I figured as much. Just sometimes you never know and my mouth has got me in more trouble than I care to remember. I even have one those “one day your gonna mouth off to the wrong person…” stories in which I had my ass handed to me on a silver platter.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:32 AM
unfortunately for me, when the course is closed….the course is CLOSED
i usually end up taking my 2 balls and shaft to the basement working on my putter by myself
maybe i can get permission to join your two-some?
its no fun playing alone…
March 20th, 2008 at 10:42 AM
Aznman-Sorry sweetie. My “tee box” is one player only.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:53 AM
one player only, but what if they’re talented enough to use two clubs at once?
you CAN have your cake and eat it too, you know.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:22 PM
HA! “play through” - that’s awesome. I was just directed here from NSOP. Hilarious!
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Why does the idea of a play through make me incredibly turned on? I’m sick.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:17 PM
Melissa- the irony is that it actually does work that way.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:00 PM
the idea of a play through ALWAYS makes ME turned on.
i’m probably sickER, though.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:13 PM
So do you only get 10 strokes before you have to move onto the next hole like in real golf as well?
June 9th, 2008 at 9:19 AM
Birdie! Bogey! Damn I suck at golf innuendo’s. In my house we use the phrase, “I will do all the work….?” Which I think is the same concept. But you have to say it in a whiny cute voice. Pity-sex, never that great.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:20 AM
[...] of it. Pigs.) and sent right back to the editing room. He will not be allowed food nor drink nor play through until he produces a video befitting The Queen of Fucking [...]