I Don’t Have any Italian in Me, but I Wouldn’t Mind Some.

I had an orgasm at the grocery store.

At the deli counter.

You’re gonna shit.

Check it:

For some reason, I am simultaneously repulsed by and inexplicably drawn to, pardon me, the wop-ish man. It’s got to be because of that first scene ever in the Sopranos when Tony is totally giving it to some girl.

And it looked really fun, even though he’s gross.

The part of my brain that’s not addled by alcohol finds them greasy and revolting.

Greasy and revolting.

And sexy.

So when the Italian Stallion manager at the Stop & Shop deli counter is all like “what can I get for you sweehot?”(Rhode Island accent) “Is that thick enough for you honey?” (huhuhuhuhhhh he said it’s thick!) and “You have a great day now doll!” I wanna be all like “Show me your hard salami!” This thought of course makes me giggle to myself, which makes my Paisan think I’m flirting which I never do because I’m a proper married lady and wouldn’t dream of it. Much.

And so, without my permission, my brain (and I must have been ovulating or something because that’s the only explanation I have for this sudden lusty-ness in an otherwise frigid existence) made a mini-porn movie inside my head where this large, bulging man in a deli apron with chest hair peeking over the top bada-bing, bada-banged me right there on the pita breads… And it caused, ahem, a flood and a wave.

Right there at the deli counter.

I’m not even fucking kidding you!

And it gets worse.

Where I used to show up at the store on Friday mornings in my “I don’t give a shit because I’m a mommy now and I’ve given up on myself (almost) completely” brown velour pants, ponytail, and my sneaks, I am now going in my “I’m a bored suburban whore looking for adultery-American cheese at the deli counter” flirt-cut jeans and the only shoes I own that I think an I-talian man would find irresistible.

I even started wearing my Bio-fit Uplift bra with chicken cutlets on Fridays because it makes the girls look really, very nice.

This is not very good because I have to invent things to buy at the deli counter now. We really don’t eat a lot of meat and not even that many sliced processed cheese products and now I find myself buying things like Olive Loaf and I don’t even know what that is. But it’s colorful. And so I buy it.

It’s exaclty like how Sam the butcher on The Brady Bunch was always giving Alice the housekeeper a little extra meat on the DL.

You know they were totally screwing each other on the bloody rump roasts, right? You just know it!


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  1. Yikes! You had fantasy sex with the greasy salami guy? Which Stop & Shop is this and what hours does he work?
    P.S. Charlotte looks adorable. Did she wonder why Mommy’s eyes were rolling back into her head while she was ordering cheese?

  2. Lynne-He’s hot. I’m telling you. It’s the Cumberland store which I personally never really used but do now, and he’s there on Friday and Saturday mornings.

    Chris- Oh! No! She wasn’t with me the day that happened! When she’s there I’m too busy trying to keep her from climbing out of the cart to go bang on the lobster tank to have a party in my pants.

  3. have you ever had a similar experience going to the chinese restaurant for takeout?

    just wink and ask for an “egg roll” special

  4. Finally a girl with taste!! I was very excited when I saw the title, but then disappointed… Although I’m 100% purebred Italian with a very deep accent, I lack the Sicilian gene that allows me to secrete the greasiness you desire. If you can see past this I am your man. I would love to serve up some meat if any ladies are interested, as long as you like it extra thick 😉

  5. Neth- Remember this: I like the salami, but I married the kielbasa!

    Aznman- Long Duck Dong? Is that you?

    Wired- Deep accent? Extra thick you say? We can always just rub you down with a little olive oil…you know, for the greasiness. I’m all in!

  6. I happen to know an employee of that store should you ever want to….. Yeeechct! Wrong on so many levels! Stick with the kielbasa. LOL.

  7. I can roll your rump, grind up sump-en fresh and lean, split your breasts and maybe put a nice sausage in dere faw ya’s. Den just faw fun I’ll butta ya buns!

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