Imagine your mother is Dr. Ruth…
I love my mom. Everyone does. She’s a single gal who’s very open and funny. She has tons of friends, she’s not afraid to use a well-placed f-bomb, has a wicked sense of humor, and nothing shocks her because she’s a social worker and deals with the absolute scum of the earth every day. You can talk to her about anything. And everyone does talk to her.
Among the people who come to visit her are some State Troopers who are on a stake out in front of her house (they’re not watching her, but apparently someone in her neighborhood has been vewy, vewy naugh-tee). They come in for potty breaks, grilled cheese sandwiches, cups of tea, and a nice chat. They’re the manliest sort of men around and she’s smitten. Think of Sex and the City kind of smitten, but without all the Samantha style sluttishness. My husband finds it adorable. I, on the other hand, want to gouge out my mind’s eye with a rusty fork and wash my ears out with acid. Imagine your mom sharing her State Trooper en flagrante delicto fantasies with you! (shudder).
And because of her training in all things theraputic, she feels it’s her job as my mother/therapist to give me unsolicited marital advice. Take Saturday for example. My husband spent the day painting our double living room. This was no small undertaking, but he did it without complaint, because he’s cool like that. I tell my mother what he’s doing and she gasps, saying “well, you’d better rest up and save your energy, girl. You owe him a little fun tonight. You’re going to have to make him a steak and give him a blow job.”
My husband thinks she’s the best mother-in-law a guy could ask for.
I know.
This is why I have a blog. It quiets the screaming in my head a little.
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i guess i can understand the TMI effect from YOUR perspective.
however, if your mother wasn’t so cool i never would have married you… just so you know.
better not give her any crap, girl–just do what she says! we see eye to eye on more things every day.
man, your husband is one lucky dude. he must’ve done something special to end up with a mother-in-law that amazing. And helpful!
I can feel your pain. My mother buys me Victoria Secret outfits to welcome my husband home after he has been away. And I have had to hear that the only reason that she would see one of her “friends” was because of how good he was in bed. It is the curse of having a cool mom.
Ken-I know you love you some Linda. Just not too much Linda, you hear me?
Chris-This is what you need to look for in a woman–a cool mom.
Val-I knew you would understand this one!
I don’t even know how to respond to this one…Linda talking about blow jobs–and how you should be giving them?! Oh the times, they are a changin’…
A blow job for painting a double room? Well worth it. I’d consider it. A little steak for him, a little tube steak for you.
Well, Dearest, that was hysterical. I nearly peed myself. Problem is that it is true, I never really considered that I was giving you TMI. I NEVER think of myself as “cool” in any way. I just want you to live a good life. I want your relationship with hubby to be happy and rewarding…for both of you. Don’t be a prude. Life’s really fuckin’ short. TAke joy in making each other happy, and you will live happily ever after. I’m getting off my soapbox.
PS Did you take my advice?
actually she did NOT take your advice!
I’M STILL WAITING…
(and this post gets mondo hits in google, btw.)
I though steak and BJ day wasn’t until the 14th? I know I keep trying to convince Jean it’s a real holiday.
Your blogs make me laugh out loud! This one especially did because I am a social worker myself!
still waiting…
[...] is fairly positive that on those Lonely Nights with her rabbit when she’s not fantasizing about being el flagrante delicto with a state trooper, her mom thinks about Barry and maybe instead of watching COPS she even puts in a little Fanilow [...]
i’m STILL fucking waiting for a steak and a blow job.
Me too.
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