Vanity, Thy Name is Butt Bleach

I got an email from Rachel regarding a product that I’ve actually heard of before, but blocked out of my memory until she brought it to my attention this morning. It actually left her speechless, and if you know Rach like I know Rach, you know that’s never happened before.

It’s politely called South Beach Skin Solutions Lightning Gel for Sensitive Areas, but what it really is is ass hole bleach. That’s right, bleach for your ass hole. Apparently you can tan your skin brown, but your butt hole needs to be white. I’m not even fucking kidding you. If you don’t believe me, go to to check it out for yourself.

Here’s my question: Who cares what color your bum is? Are there people who are so vain as to think someone cares? Seriously! Are the fashion police roaming around South Beach pulling people’s pants down, bending them over and writing them tickets for having the wrong color down there? Who ever even looks there but a proctologist? And if you’re seeing a proctologist you’ve got bigger problems than just a brown bum!

I don’t think I’ve ever even seen mine to know what color it is, and chances are your significant other is just so overjoyed to be there in the first place they don’t care if it’s got pink and purple polka dots on it and whistles glory glory hallelujah! As far as I can imagine, the people who buy this stuff are most likely the same people who have their labia surgically altered to reduce the floppy “wizard cuffs” effect. That’s another phenomenon that is beyond my comprehension.

I guess I could maybe sort of understand using the stuff on your nipples because they’re more visible and nobody wants big ol’ brown bologna nipples, but that’s where my understanding ends. Unless you’re a porn star, I see no need for this foolishness.

You should love your back door just the way it is.

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  1. i think it should go one step further–

    why stop at boring old “white?”

    i maintain that your third eye’s color should match the first two!

    sooooooooooooooooooooooooo let’s get some blue-grey-green dye and have a party in the bathroom…

  2. My friend Pat AKA “The Assman” has been talking about this for years. He actually wanted to start a business here bleaching ass. LOL I have to say that a bleached ass is very hot, but not necessary. You know if a girl is bleaching her ass you are going to get some ass play later. Why would she bleach it if she didn’t want to show it off and get some action? It’s all about the presentation, when you go to a fine restaurant the presentation is just as important then the meal. 🙂

  3. Thenks SO much for posting this. I’va baan googling aVaRYWHaRa trying to find this out end now you’va besicelly givan ma avarything I naadad hara. Tha intarwab is graet! Btta5200

  4. True, true, I think you’ve said it in one. It’s great to be able to hear other’s opinions on the matter though. That’s why I’ve enjoyed your blog immensely. Keep writing because you are good at it.

  5. Wow, do all women think that altering something makes them more beautiful? I love brown nipples and wizard cuffs….and brown butt holes. I think guys use any of the body altering you guys do as code for “insecure vulnerable soon to be slut”. Geesh, go eat some vegetables, read a non fiction book and quit looking in the mirror so god damned much.

  6. bleaching your arse is mostly for strippers and the like, as to some on the television and on the web it looks more “aesthetic” and that’s all I have to say on this topic.

  7. It’s the porn stars and the women in men’s magazines. Whatever they do, anal bleaching, complete vaginal waxing, etc., that’s what women are going to do because men watch porn alot. Many are unfortunately addicted to porn and judge beauty by what they see in men’s magazines. Gay men have been bleaching their butts for ages so, I don’t necessarily think a woman who does is it “insecure”. Maybe she just wants to look and feel her best for her man.

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