Priceless Thursdays

Dog Costume for daughter bought after Christmas on clearance at Target: $11.99

Swiffer Duster handle and extra swiffer pads: $5.99

Nearly causing an auto accident outside my house when a passing driver caught a glimpse of a lunatic in a dog costume dusting windowsills and nearly steered into an oncoming car: Priceless!

You should have seen her face!

Yum-O! Ciggies!

Hold the presses! Call the Today Show! Someone saw Rachel Ray smoking a cigarette!

Told ya so, told ya so, told ya, told ya, told ya so! I knew she wasn’t innocent. I knew America’s sweetheart wasn’t so sweet. HA!

Someone else saw her spray Dunkin’ Donuts coffee out of her mouth and yell “what is this shit?”

I think I like her now.

Fuck A Book

Book titles take on a whole new meaning with a properly placed F-Bomb.

Check it out:

  • Eat, Pray, Fuck by Elizabeth Fuckbert
  • The Kite Fucker by Fuckhed Hosseini
  • Plum Fucky by Janet Fuckonovitch
  • The Heart is a Lonely Fucker by Carson McFuckers
  • In Defense of Fuck: A Fucker’s Manifesto by Michael Pollan
  • Fucking for Pizza by John Grishfuck
  • To Kill a Fuckingbird (or To Fuck a Mockingbird, I can’t decide) by Harper Lee
  • Fuckaholic Takes Manhattan by Fuckie Kinsella
  • The Sun Also Fucks by Ernest Fuckingway
  • Oh, the Places You’ll Fuck! by Dr. Seuss
  • Fuck Everlasting by Natalie Fuckit
  • The Fucker by Lois Lowry
  • James and the Giant Fuck by Roald Dahl
  • Miss Nelson is Fucking! by Harry Allard
  • One Fuck, Two fuck, Red Fuck, Blue Fuck by Dr. Seuss

This gets annoying really fast, so that’s all I’ll do for today. This is best as a collaborative project. If you’ve got a good one, don’t hesitate to share.

We’ll do movie and song titles next!

Add a Little Sparkle and Sass

I’m so over doing housework. I’m not just over it, I hate it passionately. But I’ve discovered that for me, the secret to making it a little more exciting is all about having the right accessories. Let me show you what I mean. (click on the pictures to make them bigger)

As you know, it all started with vacuuming wearing a motorcycle helmet.

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It makes me more aerodynamic as I hug the curves and speed through the straight aways.

Here’s what I wear when I clean the toilets:

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Tiaras: not just for Prom anymore!

My daughter’s dog costume is fun to dust in.

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I just have to remember not to pee on the floor when I’m wearing it.

I like to rock a feather boa, stilettos, and hot pants while I do dishes.

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Boo ya!

I cannot recommend cooking au naturale…

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It horrifies people.

Happy Monday!

The Cold and the Soapy

There I was this morning taking a luke-warm shower when the water got progressively colder. “Crap!” I thought to myself, “I guess I’d better spread my hustle.” So I ditched the notion of shaving (Yet again. Am now a She-Yeti), speedily ran conditioner through my hair, and lathered up my body. I was just about ready to rinse off when the water shut off completely. Nothing. Nada.

“Nneeeeeettttthhhhhh!!!!!” I screamed for my husband who I knew must be the one responsible for this.

“WHAT?” he responds from deep within the house.

“No! Fucking! Water!” I yell back.

Silence…

There I am, standing in our freezing cold bathroom with conditioner in my hair and a soapy hoo-hoo with the door open to our even more freezing cold hallway when he finally appears at the top of the stairs.

“Sorry. The oil burner was out of water and I had to fill it. There’s nothing I can do” he says.

“What?” I ask while shivering and looking at him with only my left eye as the conditioner has run down into the right one.

“Do you want me to get you some paper towels or something?”

“NO! I want you to get me some hot fucking water right fucking now!” I exclaim through chattering teeth and burning squinty eye.

“Well, you’re going to have to wait a few minutes until the boiler can heat more water. I don’t know what the big deal is. Just rinse off with cold water.” I barraged a host of very naughty words at him (you can only imagine) but in the end, I still had to wait.

The water finally did come back on, but I wound up running late and catching a bone-deep chill that I cannot get rid of despite two sweaters and a steaming Vanilla Chai.

I’m still freezing my nips off, my eye is red, but at least my hoo-hoo isn’t soapy anymore.

How was your shower this morning?