I don’t know if you knew, but I work at a library cataloging books. I see all kinds of shit, but nothing could have prepared me for this. Here I am, minding my own business, when this yoga DVD comes across my desk. It’s called Christoga and contains a 74 minute “Christian yoga” workout designed to strengthen both your abs and your faith in Christ at the same time.
I’m not even fucking kidding you.
Using biblical scripture, the instructors (described by one reviewer as “sultry, with a hint of the Lord”) give Christian names to the traditional sanskrit poses. Listen to bible verses while holding such holy positions as Christ Exalted, Mighty Disciple and, my personal favorite, Salvation Rotation. This is the perfect workout for the good Christian woman who always felt “dirty” practicing yoga. Thank Jesus we can now squeeze our buns and get a devotional all at the same time!
This is wrong on so many levels that I’m just sitting here agog. I mean, what will the Jesus freaks think of next? Pontius Pilates?
I think I’m going to write to Richard Simmons and suggest that we put out a new DVD together. It’ll be a combo of Jazzercize and Islamic scripture called Islamacize: Sweatin’ with Allah. It will of course feature Richard dressed as Muhammed, leading a group of overweight women wearing spandex and Nike cross-trainers under traditional black burkas. They’ll sweat to such Muslim favorites as It’s my Shahadah and I’ll cry if I want to and He’s a Sunnis and he’ll never be any good. The diet portion of the DVD can begin during the month of Ramadan for an ultra fat burning jump start.
I don’t know what else to say about this for now so I’ll leave room for you.