I’m a giant approval whore.
There. I said it.
Even though I’m happily married and even more happily off the dating market, I thought it would be a hoot to add the Are You Interested application to my Facebook page. For the uninitiated, Are You Interested is a disgustingly superficial way for people to meet each other–someone expresses interest in you based only on your picture by clicking on “YES” or “NO”. As the “YES” recipient, you get notification of said interest and the interested party’s picture goes into a pile of others who are also willing to fuck you.
I don’t mean to honk my own hooter or anything, but I’ve got quite the little rogues gallery going for myself.
Unfortunately, well, most of them need some help.
If you’re a guy and your picture appears on Are You Interested, let me give you a few pointers that might help you get laid since that’s what you’re really looking for. You might say you’re looking for “friendship”, but we know. It’s okay to be honest sweet pea, really.
Okay, so, the pictures, oh my God the pictures!
- Make sure your photo is a flattering one. Make sure you don’t look dumb, or fat or whatever. Also, make sure your frat brothers aren’t making bunny ears or flipping the bird behind you.
- You making devil horns at the camera. \m/ Excellent… Party on, Dude!
- A picture of you posing with your girlfriend is probably not a good choice for this venue. Your wedding photo is also the wrong answer. Are you trying to prove you’re marriage material?
- A picture of your giant, drooly Rottweiler. Of the two of you, I’m guessing you chose his picture because he’s the smart and good looking one?
- Your pimpin’ ride. You still live with your mom, don’t you sweetie?
- A picture of you doing a keg stand or drinking a beer –I don’t mean just holding the glass up saying “cheers!” but actually taking a gulp. I enjoy a nice cocktail myself, but there are moments when I come up for air. That’s when I have my picture taken.
- Old dudes. Not interested. I don’t have any Daddy issues to work through. Oh, and I don’t believe for a second that you’re only 34.
- You: shirtless in a provocative pose. Me: nauseated. You’re the prettiest princess of them all aren’t you? You probably spend more on hair products than I do. Next!
- You and another guy. One wearing some sort of Mardi Gras mask, the other smokin’ hot. I’m guessing you’re the masked man and you asked your hot friend to pose with you…you couldn’t possibly be the hot one because I only attract nerds, fuckwits, egomaniacs, workaholics and alcoholics.
- You look like a fucking Serial Killer!
- You’re in a full hockey goalie uniform. My, my, my. That is sexy. Can I sniff your cup?
- I can see up your nose. While I appreciate that you trim your nose hair and that you do all your own photography, these aren’t the first things I wanted to know about you. By the way, there’s a bat in the cave. Thought you should know.
- The giant question mark. Are you The Riddler? That’s so funny, because I’m Batgirl.
- You’re wearing George Castanza’s puffy coat. Didn’t you know there was an entire episode devoted to what a baffoon he was for wearing that coat? It’s a joke coat! Do you have the velvet fog suit too?
- You’re totally hot, but your name is “Mista Man.” You’ve got more issues than Time magazine, my friend.
- This has nothing to do with pictures, but do not automatically add me as a friend. I don’t fucking know you, and now you’ve annoyed the shit out of me. Not a good way to begin a pretend friendship. Can someone please explain this concept to me? Why are there people on Facebook with 398 friends? I have 8. All of whom I’ve actually met.
Anyway fellas, please take my humble advice and you might just get lucky. At the very least, you won’t become blog fodder.