Warning to my male readers: unless your wife has had a baby, or you’ve actually, in some bizarre turn of events, found yourself in stirrups, you have no idea what in the hell a stirrup cozy is. Prepare to be schooled.

I had an appointment with the wookie doctor this morning.

While waiting for my turn, I couldn’t help but notice an often overlooked, but very important part of the gynecological exam table–the stirrup cozy. My doctor has cheerful little hand-knit ones on there. It’s a strange thing, the stirrup cozy. I’ve seen all sorts of them–sometimes they’re just sweat socks stuck over the stirrups, sometimes little felt booties with the name of a birth control pill printed on them, and sometimes there’s nothing at all, but I’ve never seen hand-knit ones before! Who makes them? Are little old ladies in nursing homes making them and sending them in, or did my doctor make them himself? After a day of delivering babies and diagnosing genital herpes, I imagine that he likes to go home, kick back, and do a little knitting while Dancing with the Stars is on. The thing about these little cuties is that they make the whole trip so much more comfortable. You’re totally naked under a paper dress in a fifty degree room. A man with the largest hands you’ve ever seen comes in, snaps on his rubber gloves, busts out the lube, and says “scoot forward a little bit for me, dear.” It goes without saying that this is the most uncomfortable situation, but thank Jesus my feet are comfy in the stirrups! This is delightful! Can I come again tomorrow?

This is what I’m thinking while waiting for him to come in. It makes me giggle to picture him in his jammies, knitting away, perhaps enjoying a nice cup of tea as well. Needless to say, when he finally comes into the room I’m in a rather jovial mood. We had a pleasant visit, I felt properly violated, and I came home to mop off.

Let’s all take a moment to say thank Jesus for the stirrup cozy. I don’t know about yours, but my vagina is happier knowing my feet are comfortable.

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