Does anyone actually know the words to the New Year’s song, what is it called, Old Anxiety or something?
I always make a bunch of goody two shoes promises for the upcoming year. I resolve to do stupid shit like “lose weight, stop drinking, become a vegetarian, be more patient, be more loving, be more grateful…blah, blah, freakin’ blah”.
Ya know what? Resolutions always end in disappointment because they make life suck. This year I’m all about the fun stuff!
I hereby resolve to do the following in 2008:
- Develop a quiet but demanding cocaine habit. I think it’ll make me a more interesting person.
- Take up smoking full time.
- Quit flossing. It’s gross and time consuming. Who needs teeth anyway?
- Quit yoga. It’s too much effort.
- Quit moving altogether. I’m just going to sit from now on. I like to sit.
- Become a functional alcoholic. Enough pussying around with the wine after dinner. I’m switching to scotch at 7Am.
- Eat whatever I want. Life is too fucking short to spend it eating cereal containing things like Millet. Isn’t that the same shit they put in birdseed and horse food?
- Have unprotected sex with hot strangers. I’ll start with Johnny Depp and work my way to Alex O’ Loughlin.
- Affix a PA system and a flame thrower to the front bumper of my car. “Get off the motherfucking phone and drive!” And then…Kaboom!!!! No more ass monkey.
We’re staying home tonight since even my 14-year-old babysitter has more of a life than we do. I invited a few people over, but no one is coming. Most of them didn’t even find the invitation interesting enough to reject. It’s funny how things change after you have a kid. No one bothers with you anymore–you’re officially lame. It’ll just be my husband and me sitting in front of the fireplace, wearing party hats and fighting to stay awake for the big ball drop.
It’ll be sort of nice actually.
Happy New Year everyone! (insert sound of party horn here)