You’re not going to wear THAT, are you?

I’m no fashionista and I don’t pretend to be. In fact, most mornings I stand in front of my closet with tears of frustration forming in my eyes because I just don’t know what to wear. I do, however, take comfort in the fact that I’m at least clued in enough to know what NOT to wear.

I wish everyone knew as much…

Pajamas and slippers out in public. This pisses me off to no end. Have we really gotten so lazy as to be unable to put clothing on to leave the house? If this is where we’re at now, what happens in a couple of years after standards for appropriate pubic attire have gotten even lower? Are people just not going to bother wearing pants at all? The horror!!! We have to do something before it’s too late!!

Sweatpants with statements written across the ass. Why oh why do people feel the need to express themselves in this way? Do I want to know that your ass is JUICY or PINK or that you’re BARELY LEGAL? No. No I do not. TMI. If you’re ass is juicy, you’ve got real problems. Don’t advertise, seek help.

Uggs. The name says it all. The only thing worse than Uggs are Uggs worn with pajamas.

Mom Jeans. These pants are an atrocity embodying everything that was wrong with the 80’s in a single garment. What woman hating monster designed these bad boys? Even Miss Nicole Kidman herself could not pull off a pair of these pants! Complete with a boob-grazing, camel-toe-inducing 9 inch zipper and tapered leg they’re often paired with another of my favorites, the Theme Sweater.

Theme Sweaters. Usually cardigans with things like birds, apples, candy canes, or Disney characters on them. Weren’t these originally made for 3 year olds? Nothing says “I have the mentality of a preschooler” like wearing Winnie the Pooh on your boob!

Jeans that exacerbate and showcase the FUPA (aka gunt, aka muffin top, etc.). If this happens to you, perhaps you shouldn’t be wearing those jeans. Since you clearly enjoy calling attention to your less attractive features, I’m guessing that in the rear, you’re sporting a Whale Tail.

Whale Tails. Your ass called. It’s wondering where your pants went. Panties are called underwear for a reason. If thongs were meant to be outerwear then London Fog would be making them, but they’re not. Victoria’s Secret makes them instead. Note the word SECRET. That’s secret as in not public. Pull your pants up, whore.

Scrubs. Not a good look for doctors, not a good look for you. End of story.

Leggings. The bulging seams, the visible panty lines, those tell-tale cellulite dimples–if you’re pushing 300lbs and you’re wearing leggings, what the fuck are you thinking?

High-water pants, white sweat socks, black shoes. Potsie? Is that you?

There’s a lot more here that I’m sure I’m forgetting so I’m going to leave some room for the rest of you to share what makes you want to gouge your eyes out with a hanger.

Have a lovely day.

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  1. Ahhhh…where to begin? I think my issue lies within the clothing manufacturing industry in general. Should bikinis really come in XL? Why do grown women feel like Mary Jane shoes are cute, EVER?! In fact, if you think it’s “cute” it’s probably made for someone 10 and under. And, a little off topic…why has the tattoo craze gone into overdrive? Is it necessary to tattoo your name on yourself so you don’t forget? You really need a permanent nametag? Is “White Power” more appropriate once permanently adhered to flesh? It’s not that I am opposed to tattooing in general–but can we please stop tasmanian devils and dixie flags (not to mention political statements) from being burned into flesh?! Can’t we all just keep a photo album, not a painstakingly poured over “scrapbook” (whole ‘nother issue), for memories and stop using our skin? To quote a previous blog….”we all have a freak flag–we just don’t have to fly it.”

  2. Well, I fell compelled to respond to the bit about SCRUBS. Being a RN, wearing scrubs are most unfortunately required. More unfortunately, sometimes I do have to wear them out in public as I cannot always go directly home to work and back again. I refuse however to wear the worst scrubs of all… the elastic-cuffed pants or any Disney/cartoon character tops! I can tell you, the only thing worse than the wearing of scrubs in public is shopping for them! O.K., one would think a large is a large and there is no need to vary what measures into a particular size, but noooooo. A large in one size is a xl or xxl depending on the company. They all fit terribly anyway. Add this to the long list of reasons that I am ready to go back to school so that I can get that nice little school nurse job. 🙂

  3. hmm all these are women related…where’s the Male version of this list???

    and from my point of view, if she is hot….it really doesnt matter what they wear…

    p.s. yes i am a pig…and it is all your husband’s fault

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