Things that Suck OR Why Mommy Drinks “A Hundreds” of Wine

These are all the things that sucked this week:

Suckage item #1:

 

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Right here is what I call a pile of bullshit.

This is Homeslice’s homework which is actually designed to torture ME.  Not only did I have to cut this shit out into tiny squares that are impossible to control, but I had to sort it because it was arranged randomly. I had to go over them one by one with her. She got most, but I think she got a lucky guess on the others. I put those fuckers in the “done” pile realfuckingquick.

Guess or not, it’s still a correct answer, amiright?

Suckage item #2:

 

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My weekly allotment of wine was nearly done by Wednesday!  In my defense this was purchased last Friday night and was shared amongst friends, so really, wine consumption has been quite tame.  But still, this photo makes me sad because: rationing.

Suckage item #3:

 

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I did not get Veteran’s Day off, but everyone else did and so in an effort keep kids off screen time (mandated by me), Mister let them go wild streame-ring the  house. It’s a multicolored Halloween prank at my house right now.  It’s lovely, but who is going to have to take them down?

Anyone?

Anyone?

ME!

At least it wasn’t toilet paper, I guess. Girlfriend is known for her excessive use of tape, so I am particularly pissed about this because everything is taped down solid, which makes for extra pain in the ass, but most irritating of all is: there is NO tape left in this house.

You don’t realize you need tape until there is no tape.

Protip: Hide the fucking tape.

Suckage #4:

 

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This is my container drawer. Somebody should complain.

Suckage #5:

 

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Wall-e, the butane powered space heater, is now a permanent resident in my living room.  Mister thinks it’s the fucking balls.

It terrifies me every bit as much as the gas dryer, washing machine and garbage disposal.

Mister wanted me to post a picture of it when it’s lit, but I didn’t want the Internet to catch on fire cuz this thing says “DANGER” all over it.

Suckage #6:

 

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Who knew these fuckers take on water? I found myself standing over the kitchen sink shaking drips out of them until I noticed this:

 

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They have assholes.

So to get the water out, we had to drill them BIGGER ASSHOLES.

Lovely.

Now we have rose bud gang-bang “amules.”

Suckage #7:

 

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I dont live in a place where people keep chickens. So imagine my surprise to find these three ladies just chillaxin’ out there on an ordinary Monday morning?  I had dicks in my mulch, so why not chickens?

My driveway is a place of many wonders, Queefies.

So, how did your week go?

Mine was kinda crappy and included some heavy stuff, but this is all that I can share because we try to keep it light and fluffy over here.

Feel free to dump your bullshit here.

In fact,  please do.

 

 

 

Ask Homeslice: version 1.0

 

And here they are: answers to your most burning life questions from our very own Homeslice!

No video though because Homeslice has the shyness and that’s ok because she’s only a fiver. Girlfriend has stage experience now since she’s been in theater class for two years, so she’s just waiting for an agent to call her at this point. Any […] Continue Reading…

Ask Girlfriend

Remember how we wanted to bring back “Ask Girlfriend?”  She’s baaack with all the answers to your most burning questions.  She’s also dressed as Wonder Woman.

You are welcome.

askgf 10/22/14 from ken and crissy gilbert on Vimeo.