Remember that time Crissy apologized for disappearing from the internet only to fall off the face of the Earth nary 6 months later?
Perhaps you were like me. Scared. Heartbroken. Alone. Still slightly aroused somehow. With nothing new to adorn our shrines with or talk about at high society cocktail parties, we have found a Crissy size hole in our heart. Which is not dangerous, because homegirl is as skinny as a poorly made but well marketed margarita.
In the years that have passed since the universe thrust our sexy, chaotic, exciting, and sexy lives into synchronicity, I have taken on the role of friend, jester, unlicensed therapist, and co-couchfort royalty. Together, we have managed to travel forward in time. But now I am prepared for the most noble of tasks. A task handed down by the goddesses themselves. For it is I who will make this bitch write in her fucking blog.
The road ahead of me is long and hard, but sometimes long and hard is just what the doctor ordered.
You better watch out, I’m tellin’ you why…
DADDY IS TRYING TO TAKE A MOTHERFUCKINGPICTURE AND IF YOU DON’T CUT THE SHIT THERE’S GOING TO BE NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR I MEAN IT!
It’s Christmas portrait time, Queefies.
It’s one of the most stressful days of the year for Crissy and Mister because omg kids. If you’ve ever tried to take a [...] Continue Reading…
After years of loyal service, we have retired Sasha.
Girlfriend is totally beside herself because Sasha is a part of our family.
She drove both Girlfriend and Homeslice home from the hospital.
She rescued Vivian.
She kept us safe.
And now, she’s just sitting in the garage, waiting to be driven, longing to feel the wind in her hair once again. Mister and [...] Continue Reading…
My dreams of having a maidlaundressnanny have been crushed, guys. HippieMom SuperNanny has left us. The halcyon days are over.
Her husband got a fancy new job and they had to move away. Far, far away and so I no longer have her at the house, doing battle against the filth and the dishes and the laundry.
Our new childcare arrangements [...] Continue Reading…
Tomorrow, you guys are gonna get a treat!
We made a video at work just for funzies and I’m gonna share it with you because it’s about my glamorous life as a Mrs. Fancypants.
Plus, you get to see Crissy, plus her work environment, plus her co-workers, plus you get to laugh because I’m ridiculous and that’s why you come here.
Wait [...] Continue Reading…
Remember my last post about Big Pussy crapping in the fireplace? How could you forget? It was very memorable. Especially for me because it’s still happening.
I thought he was sick because when a cat starts doing Things That Are Inappropriate, they’re usually sick. Big Pussy is about 14 years old now, so you know. I figured he’s going senile [...] Continue Reading…
What kind of an asshole does something like this?
Who does that???
There’s ashy footprints all over my house.
Somebody should complain.
This place is a shithole.
PS: Vodka with Lavender Kombucha isn’t half bad, AND you get to poop. But not in the fireplace.
As you guys probably know, your Crissy is obsessed with naming things. I love, love, love it. But making a final decision is where I fall flat on my face. If it were up to me, Homeslice would be named LucyCarolineFionaLydia.
Alas, Mister put his foot down.
I have a plant named “Ladypants” and a sweater I call “Sunday Girl.” So, [...] Continue Reading…
Are you guys following me on Pinterest?
The fuck is wrong with you?
You should be following me because everything I pin is the most awesome stuff the Internet has to offer. Obvi.
Right now, I’m on a quest for the perfect ring to replace my stolen wedding set. Remember that? It was terrible, and I’m still traumatized and pretty [...] Continue Reading…