Is that even how you spell dysfunction? Imagine being so disfunctional that you cannot even spell dyisfunction?
That would be me.
So I’ve been sick for three weeks and I finally went to the doctor yesterday. I’ve got The Bronchitis, The Sinusitis and an ear infection, whatever kind of itis that is, I know not.
And I had to have one of those fog machine breathing treatments right there at the office because the doctor thought I might have The P-newmonia, but I don’t. Just the bronchieties and the other stuff. Don’t forget the other stuff. The other stuff is very important too. She looked at my throat, frowned, and said “you poor thing. That looks like it hurts.” And then I was like “uh-huh” in my most pathetic Bill Cosby kid’s voice and she gave me all sorts of drugs to fix all the dysfunctions and I wish to hell she had sent a nurse home with me because the chances of like, going to bed to recover are not good, Queefies.
As it is, I had to do the breathing treatment bouncing up and down with Homeslice on my hip because she was getting fussy because she was getting hungry because we had to wait so long to be seen.
Motherhood is a motherfucking cock in the ass sometimes.
I bet nobody’s ever said that about motherhood before, so you read it here first.
Motherhoood: A Motherfucking Cock in the Ass.
I’ve had a pap smear with her sitting on my chest. I’ve had my teeth cleaned while rocking the car seat with one hand. Mister freaks out when he has to take the kids with him to get a haircut.
I need a nanny. Maybe I can convince Mrs. Fancypants’ nanny to come over to the dark side and work for me instead. I will call her “Karen” instead of calling her “THE NANNY” and I won’t even make her sleep under the stairs.
I’m a better person than Mrs. Fancypants, obviously.
Anyway, have I ever told you guys that I’m scared of drugs? Well, I am and now I have an inhaler and I haven’t used it yet because I’m scared of it. I’m scared of my nasal spray too.
I took it all out of their boxes and I keep looking at them and I can’t. I just can’t do it. Somebody needs to come and hold my hand so I can take my medicine like a big girl.
I should probably go now. Homeslice is chewing on Alice’s dog chewie and I have to work up the strength to stop her.
WHAT?
She won’t choke.
Probably.
