You Know that Bad Dream You Have Where You’re Standing Naked in Front of a Classroom Full of People?

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Except I’m considering getting paid to do it for art students.

Monica the Ninjarapist thinks it could be very good for me in terms of making a mind/body connection, so we got the go-ahead there from the head lady.

I figure I look decent naked and although they take any shape/size/or age and nobody is there to judge, I think I’d make a fine candidate and at $16 an hour, I think I can sit still for 20 minutes at a stretch.

In fact, please god give me the chance to sit still and do nothing.

Getting paid is a bonus. I should be paying them just for the chance to sit my ass down and not do anything.  It would be a blessing, plus I don’t even have to wear a bra (hate those fuckers).

Only problem is, can I really do this?

Can I really be naked in front of a  room full of strangers and not DIE TO DEATH OF HUMILIATION?

Everyone I have talked to from both sides as drawer and draw-ee both agree that it is NOT weird. Like, at all. They’re there to draw shapes, not stuff grants or benjamins in your ass crack (although, if they felt moved to do so, I would not be opposed).

But let’s say that I can get past the “being naked in front of a room full of people” thing, I have a few practical concerns as well.

What if I’m sweaty and my pits start dripping? Do I shove kleenex up there and keep my arms firmly at my sides?  I’m gonna be a little nervous so the likelihood of my having a pit incident is quite high.

In fact, it’s a guarantee.

Maybe it will just roll down my body and pool up on the table or whatever?  I can then be a model posing in a swimming pool of perspiration.  Throw some lilly pads and Koi in there and we’ve got something really special going on.

“Farcical aquatic nude in repose”

Also, what if I have my special lady times?

Not only is there bloating and acne to consider, but there’s also the small matter of a string. Sure, you can tuck that sucker way up in there ,but what if if works it’s way back out?

WHAT THEN?

32 students with a lovely drawing of my tampon string.

“Vaginal Marionette, sitting in contemplation”

And what if I have a Rite Aide type incident?  There’s no clothing to act as a filter or muffler.  It’s just gonna be out there and depending on what I’m sitting on, there may even be reverberation.

I’m not sure if there’s anything more humiliating than farting in front of a room full of people whilst naked.

That’s a dual fecta of embarrassment.

“Nude with buttocks issue”

But you know what?

Fuck it.

This is real life.

Draw that shit motherfuckers because this is what you’re parents are paying hard earned money for. You bring your pictures home and you show them what you did at school today!

Have any of you done this?  What was your experience?

What did you do about your tampon string?

 

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