You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry

You better watch out, I’m tellin’ you why…

DADDY IS TRYING TO TAKE A MOTHERFUCKINGPICTURE AND IF YOU DON’T CUT THE SHIT THERE’S GOING TO BE NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR I MEAN IT!

It’s Christmas portrait time, Queefies.

It’s one of the most stressful days of the year for Crissy and Mister because omg kids.  If you’ve ever tried to take a portrait of your kids with their shiny happy little faces you know it’s a total fucking shitshow.

We decorate the tree, light the fireplace, set up the camera and the lights, get them into their matching Christmas dresses (purchased weeks in advance in preparation), comb their hair and get them in front of the camera to pretend that we are a functional family.

There’s bribery of the M&M persuasion and when that doesn’t work there’s threats of taking away television and when that doesn’t work Christmas gets cancelled like fifteen times.

Then comes the begging: “Please just smile.  This is not for US, this is for your family!  Auntie Cya and Marcy and Dips and Pop-Pop and Popa and Grammie and Uncle Billy and the people who love you want to have nice pictures of you!  DON’T YOU LOVE AUNTIE CYA? Smile for Auntie Cya! Come on, come on, sit here and smile…good!  good!  YAY!  Happy Kids! AW FUCK! THE DOG’S ASS IS IN THE FUCKING FRAME! GET THE FUCKING DOG OUT OF HERE!”

And then we try again and again and it goes similarly and it’s exactly like herding 147 profoundly retarded cats.

I start sounding like Bill Cosby:  “Come here. Come here. Come Here. Here! Here! Here! Here! Heeeeeerrrreeeeeeeee!!!!”

“Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sitsitsitsitsitsitsit.”

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Brain. Damage.

And I look like Jeffrey’s mother:

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This is because Girlfriend knows she’s in a position of power over both of us, so she fucks with us.  She splays her legs out, she crosses her eyes, she sticks out her tongue, she does whatever she can think of to ruin the shot.

She finds it tremendously rewarding to see Mister and me go to Crazytown.

Now, one might question why we do this year after year if it’s such a disaster.

Because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t get pictures like this:

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Have yourself a crappy little Christmas.

posted by Crissy in About nothing, really,Babymamadrama,Go sell crazy somewhere else!,The Fur Kids and have Comments (9)

Crissy Gets a New Car. Finally Shuts Up About it.

Well, Queefies.

After years of loyal service, we have retired Sasha.

Girlfriend is totally beside herself because Sasha is a part of our family.

She drove both Girlfriend and Homeslice home from the hospital.

She rescued Vivian.

She kept us safe.

And now, she’s just sitting in the garage, waiting to be driven, longing to feel the wind in her hair once again. Mister and [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in Crissy Drives Like the Wind,You're NOT hardcore, unless you LIVE hardcore and have Comments (10)

What Happens When I’m Not Home…

Sigh.

My dreams of having a maidlaundressnanny have been crushed, guys.  HippieMom SuperNanny has left us.  The halcyon days are over.

Her husband got a fancy new job and they had to move away.  Far, far away and so I no longer have her at the house, doing battle against the filth and the dishes and the laundry.

Our new childcare arrangements [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in About nothing, really,Crissy's House is in an Idiot Colony,The Fur Kids,You're gonna shit when I tell you! and have Comments (13)

So, you wanna be a copywriter…

Ta-da!!!!

posted by Crissy in Don't Look at Me. I'm Ugly in the Morning.,Go sell crazy somewhere else!,Oops! I crapped my pants,You're NOT hardcore, unless you LIVE hardcore and have Comments (3)

Crissy makes a video!

Tomorrow, you guys are gonna get a treat!

We made a video at work just for funzies and I’m gonna share it with you because it’s about my glamorous life as a Mrs. Fancypants.

Plus, you get to see Crissy, plus her work environment, plus her co-workers, plus you get to laugh because I’m ridiculous and that’s why you come here.

Wait [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in Go sell crazy somewhere else!,Oops! I crapped my pants,You're NOT hardcore, unless you LIVE hardcore and have Comments (3)

The Litter Critters

Well.

Remember my last post about Big Pussy crapping in the fireplace?  How could you forget?  It was very memorable.  Especially for me because it’s still happening.

I thought he was sick because when a cat starts doing Things That Are Inappropriate, they’re usually sick.  Big Pussy is about 14 years old now, so you know.  I figured he’s going senile [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in Babymamadrama,Go sell crazy somewhere else!,Oops! I crapped my pants,The Fur Kids,You're gonna shit when I tell you! and have Comments (15)

What Kind of an Asshole Does a Thing Like This?

What kind of an asshole does something like this?

Who does that???

There’s ashy footprints all over my house.

Somebody should complain.

This place is a shithole.

PS: Vodka with Lavender Kombucha isn’t half bad, AND you get to poop.  But not in the fireplace.

posted by Crissy in The Fur Kids and have Comments (14)

Ehpa Gets A Dog

As you guys probably know, your Crissy is obsessed with naming things.  I love, love, love it.  But making a final decision is where I fall flat on my face.  If it were up to me, Homeslice would be named LucyCarolineFionaLydia.

Alas, Mister put his foot down.

I have a plant named “Ladypants” and a sweater I call “Sunday Girl.”  So, [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy's_Pimp in The Fur Kids and have Comments (21)

The Twat Ring

Are you guys following me on Pinterest?

NO?

The fuck is wrong with you?

You should be following me because everything I pin is the most awesome stuff the Internet has to offer. Obvi.

Right now, I’m on a quest for the perfect ring to replace my stolen wedding set. Remember that? It was terrible, and I’m still traumatized and pretty [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in About nothing, really and have Comments (10)

Crissy Disappears From the Internet, Returns Like a Year Later Really Pissed that Her Page Ranking Has Slipped.

Once the Queen, always the Queen.

Or so I thought.

Crissy Moran porn star is still better than me, as is that stupid doll from 1968.

Don’t even get me started on the antique store.

We cannot have this. We cannot be #6 on Google, you guys.

THE QUEEN MUST RULE AGAIN!

So, yes.

I’M BACK.  I’d like to say that I’m also new and improved, [...] Continue Reading…

posted by Crissy in About nothing, really and have Comments (34)